tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8407458295132219322.post3231729339791726909..comments2009-09-04T17:50:56.374-07:00Lance Scurvin, mastermind behind the ScurvOriginalz.com website.http://www.blogger.com/profile/12247523572965782180LanceScurv@yahoo.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8407458295132219322.post-71215574307985302092009-09-04T17:50:56.374-07:002009-09-04T17:50:56.374-07:00The third and youngest child of mine is sitting in jail as I write this......still trying to manipulate from behind bars. What a journey I have taken with this child, for over 6 years. I've watched him go from a healthy 260 pound young man with potential and dreams to a 180 pound drug addict. From sneaking alcohol at age 14 to developing into the textbook addict. Taking his dying grandfather's pain medications, lying into his own mother's eyes. You may hurt as a brother...but I cannot express in words my complete state of nonexistence I live in now as a mother. I loved him each time I found him under I4 or at the Coalition, walking down route 50, panhandling. Sticking his head in my car window....not recognizing me as his mother. Each day I feel my heart screaming..why? What could I have done? Should I have listened to others? Should I help him now? Does he deserve another chance? Defeat is the word I'm looking for. I could work three jobs for 20 years, and sacrifice ALL to take care of my children. I certainly believe I gave it all of what I had to give. Now, I simply look forward to the day I am called home. For, no matter what else happens, I cannot see the day . where I will ever truly enjoy life again. Finally listening to others, I severed the relationship with my son, I do NOT enable. I told him "no more". The hardest thing I've ever done. Would I now please the others that were trying to help me by giving me their advice? The day I closed the door on my own child I remember vividly... my spirit died on that day. Perhaps everyone should think twice in the future...are you protecting someone by giving them advice?? If so, BE THERE when they listen to you, as the hole left in their heart will need your love and support that you offered. Otherwise, remember, It is a family affair, as no other person can understand your absolute state of grief as a mother to see your son doing things such as panhandle and prostitute to get drugs. A sickness that is like no other, and not understood by friends and family. I will function in the time I have left, but never will I see a day with dry eyes, how could I? My son is gone. His body still exists, his heart beats. But my child? He is gone. I still see his face as a young boy. Smiling ear to ear...full of dreams. Can I understand the day you realized that your motherhad known everything all along? No doubt, she knew. But, she had her son. A mother doesn't keep count of the rights and wrongs of a child...your child is your child. Their actions do not dictate your level of love. I guess the question would be, am I at peace now, happier? Or willI walk through the rest of life feeling totally washed, empty and conquered? There is NOTHING that I will see, experience or imagine that will EVER hurt me again. There are no more tears, I will just wait. I will listen to the clock tick, tick, tick and wait until I am awarded what I feel is my just and earned reward...a quiet, peaceful resting place where my heart will finally be able to stop carrying the burden that I have. Each beat of my hear hurts. I've lost a child. To Those of you who know an enabler and you feel compelled togive the advice to them to "live your life, stop helping them, cut the cord". Hmmm, they aren't here now are they? Should I ever have listened to them at all? Take some advice, remember, things like this are a family affair.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com